Fatherhood

It has been over two years since I was ushered into fatherhood, and I have blundered about it with good intentions and but as sensitively as a bull in a china shop, I believe that is the appropriate colloquialism. And quite frankly with as much knowledge on the subject as my two year old does, probably even less. But occasionally I experience a certain moment of clarity. Usually in church and often while gazing at an icon of the Mother of God. One of these moments I was holding my daughter, I was struggling with her, to keep her quiet and involved. I was attempting to suppress thoughts like "Why did I have a child?" "If only I could put it back." "I am so not cut out for this. I have no idea what my responsibilities even are."
I had her back to my chest and in a sitting position on one arm facing the front of the church, hoping the activity of the priests, deacons and acolytes in their shiny robes and candles would win her attention even for a moment. It was during this struggle that either the Father made the exclamation "Glory the Father and to the Son and to the Holy Spirit!" or maybe it was Father Deacon who said "Remembering our most holy, pure, blessed, and glorious Lady, the Theotokos and ever virgin Mary..." and the people quietly sang "Oh Most Holy Theotokos save us..." that I made the sign of the Cross. I took my hand put it to my forehead and brought it down over my daughter and myself and then across our shoulders, and it was in this moment that I learned a part of what my responsibilities are. She cannot make the sign of the cross yet, she tries, she bunches her fingers together moves her hand in front of her, flailing it about, but she still needs to develop more before she can get the motion down.
What I learned was very simple, it is my job to care for her soul, I am responsible, in a way, for her salvation. I am responsible to ensure that she receives Grace and cultivates it in her heart. In time she will develop and mature, and it is my role to ensure that. But what I learned was how incredibly weighty my actions, words, and thoughts are in her spiritual development. She can not make the sign of the Cross, she can not not even understand when to cross herself, but I can. I have to develop myself, she, if you will, lives in my (and her mother's) bubble of spiritual life. If I do not have one, and I do not draw her into it she will most likely not develop her own. I do not live the life of the Church for my own salvation exclusively but for that of my daughter as well.